Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
