A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
