Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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