I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
