I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
