tell your sister to shave her snatch
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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