My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Vodka?
Forever.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
FUCK WHALES
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
