I am puke
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
