i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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