oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
