My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
