Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
