Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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