if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
