i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize