I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
