Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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