your parents love me but you hate me
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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