I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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