I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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