And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
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