i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
