There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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