pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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