saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
