My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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