My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
