I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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