im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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