I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
