drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Randomize
