I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize