i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
