im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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