i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
false alarm, still single
Randomize
