I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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