She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You made out with two different species that night
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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