I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
