If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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