My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
