I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Found the puke drawer
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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