I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
