Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
