Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
