Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
