I didn't shave. On purpose
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
