btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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