Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize