We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
you had me at cake vodka
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
