Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
