oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
