he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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