Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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