I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
