Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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